the little woman must've damn near killed you
by heartbends
Summary: One-Shot. While Lucas and Haley visit Karen out of town, taking Jamie and Sawyer along with them, Nathan and Peyton are left to their own devices. NP friendship.


**Author's Note: **I'm writing this for my dear friend Ulle, because she gave me the basic prompt of NP are bums to the max, with activities included and this didn't exactly turn out the way I had planned but I wrote it in a couple hours, so I'm gonna go ahead and post it. For those of you reading _my If I'm Still Alive, My Regrets are Few_ fanfiction, I have every intention of updating it soon, I just was in the mood to write and couldn't find any muse for that fic at the time, hopefully you will still enjoy!

**Mentions of 500 Days of Summer, Inception, and Twilight. No real spoilers. Mild Language. **

"Haley, what the hell? I don't want to spend my weekend off in the house _alone_." He groaned disapprovingly while he watched his wife scurry around the bedroom packing her things in a suitcase. He really hated Lucas and his lame ass attempts for them to be a _normal_ family. Since when was it normal to take your brother's wife and son on a trip, leaving your own wife behind? He had already had plans to spend the entire weekend in bed with Haley, making up for time lost while he had been on the road.

"Oh, Nathan." Haley shook her head and looked at him. "You're overreacting. You won't be alone, Peyton's staying behind."

He groaned loudly, yeah like that made it _any_ better. He was pretty sure that Peyton was just as pissed about this as he was. "So you expect me to spend the whole weekend with Peyton?"

"I don't understand why not!" she giggled, placing her hands on her hips. "Plus, we'll have plenty of time to 'catch up' when I get home." Well, he couldn't exactly hate the sound of that, now could he?

…

Lucas was almost done packing, when he saw Peyton plop herself down on their (newly made, he might add) bed with a pout on her face. "Luke, why are you doing this again? I don't really get why you have to run off this weekend to see your mom."

He laughed, zipping his suitcase and turned to her. "Peyt, you're overreacting don't ya think?"

"No." the pout on her face didn't falter, as she crossed her arms over her stomach. "Plus you're taking _my_ baby." Peyton might have been a little more protective than she had planned to be. She always figured she'd be a "cool mom" but every_single_time she heard Sawyer hiccup through the baby monitor she was up to inspect it before Lucas could even rub the sleep out of his eyes. He was much calmer than she could ever even pretend to be. "Me and Nathan are convinced you planned this on purpose." She was still pouting, hoping it would change his mind.

"It'll be over before you know it, Babe."

Peyton wasn't quite as convinced.

…

Haley had been gone fifteen minutes and Nathan was already bored as fuck. What the hell was he supposed to do for three days while she was away? He rummaged through the refrigerator and knew that this had to be some plan of torture. They had been married long enough to know that Nathan hated vegetables, as much as he loved his wife's cooking nothing could make that shit taste good. He opened each and every Tupperware container in the fridge before deciding that Haley had _really_ decided to torture him this weekend.

"Nathan Scott! Open your damn door." He heard her voice before he even got to the door. He couldn't have been more relieved that Peyton was just as pissed about the situation as he was, and they had planned an entire weekend of moping about not getting laid together. "Fuck, no wonder Jamie always gets the door, it takes you for_fucking_ever." She pushed a McDonald's bag into his chest before walking past him. "Haley told me what she was making before she left; I figured you'd need that."

Right now, Nathan was pretty sure Peyton was his friendship soulmate. "Holy shit, was this a plan for her to torture me all weekend? I don't even know what half that green shit _is_."

"Stop being overdramatic, you should see what Lucas cooked for me."

Nathan laughed. "No wonder we get along so well, you're definitely the dude of your relationship."

…

Peyton licked the remaining sauce off of her finger as she threw her last piece of crust back into the pizza box. She leaned back into the couch and rubbed her belly and let out a satisfied sigh. "That was one good fucking pizza."

"Right?" Nathan hummed in response. He fucking loved the pizza from downtown, and no matter how many times he begged Haley to get it, she somehow found a way of convincing him that he didn't _really_ want it. Nathan was definitely whipped, he couldn't deny that if he tried but he _definitely_ got some rewards out of it. "Haley says it's too greasy."

"That shit is the bomb." She reached over to grab her beer bottle and gulped down the remaining sips. "Lucas hates greasy shit, too. He's all about being healthy and Sawyer having a balanced diet, blah blah." She rolled her eyes dramatically as she tossed the bottle towards the trashcan, and missed. She didn't even bother to get up to pick it up, considering she and Nathan had missed every bottle they'd thrown towards the trashcan all night.

Nathan couldn't contain himself when he imagined Lucas running around the kitchen in an apron trying to prepare a balanced meal like Haley did. Lucas was so fucking gay sometimes. He couldn't believe what ammo Peyton was giving him to make fun of his brother when he returned from his stupid shit trip.

After finishing off any and all cookies in the house, Nathan and Peyton sat in front of the TV fighting over the remote. They finally settled upon flipping through HBO and Showtime to look for a movie to watch. After a lot of mumbling and arguing they decided to watch _500 Days of Summer_. Nathan hated it within twenty minutes, and Peyton continued to make faces every time this Summer person spoke.

"What the fuck is her problem?" she questioned dramatically, tossing her hands up. "She's ridiculous. She's doing that whole 'I'm so quirky and mysterious but I'm really cold and frigid' bullshit." Nathan couldn't agree more but seeing Peyton rant over it cracked him up. She seemed genuinely upset by her actions. "Whatever, I hope she begs to take him back and he tells her to go fuck herself."

Nathan made a gesture towards the screen when Tom came up on the screen. He took a swig of his beer before looking at Peyton and nodding towards the screen yet again. "We went to see that fucking _Inception_ movie, Haley totally has the hots for that guy, it pisses me off, he's nerdy as hell." He grumbled before taking yet another swig of his beer. He really hated this guy and his nerdy fucking charm.

Peyton couldn't contain herself from laughing. Nathan couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong with her, she had been laughing for a good three minutes, before she finally took a sharp breath and calmed down enough to form coherent words. "You're jealous of some guy on TV, Nathan. You're a freak." She looked back to the screen and crinkled her nose again. "I still hate this girl."

"Yeah, me too. What a tool."

"Right?" she paused for a few minutes and Nathan assumed she was thinking of what to say next when she finally let out a tiny giggle. "Lucas would love her."

"You're probably right, he's such a fucking freak when it comes to women." He teased pressing his fingers into her side to tickle her. He couldn't help but laugh loudly when she wiggled away immediately. She always _hated_ being tickled.

"Hey!" she giggled pushing his hands away from her before she finally caught her breath enough to talk, again. "You're so mean; I'm the best sister-in-law ever. Think about it, you could be on the couch with Brooke right now. I know how much you looooove her." Nathan didn't say anything. She couldn't be more right, had Lucas married Brooke he would've moved away to avoid having to have any contact with her. She always knew how to make things awkward with her shit humor.

"Fine, you win." He agreed moving his hands away from her sides. "I don't think you like her that much either considering you just ignored three of her calls."

"Oh whatever, Nathan. I'm hanging out with my favorite BIL."

…

After two complete days of doing nothing except sitting around in sweats and watching TV, Peyton and Nathan had decided that they needed to make things a little more interesting. Peyton had bought Jamie a package of water balloons and even though Haley and Lucas both acted excited, neither had ever intended on Jamie using them. Haley didn't want to have to pick up the rubber that was left behind, and Lucas couldn't stand the thought of Jamie accidentally breaking something important in their backyard, so they had stayed in the same drawer for six months.

Until now.

Nathan and Peyton had halved the pack and took them to opposite bathrooms and filled them up. He wasn't sure what made them think that it would be a good idea to have a water balloon fight, but Nathan was up for it, completely. He hadn't had a chance to fill up the last of his balloons before Peyton smacked him in the back of the head with a green water balloon. He snapped his head in her direction and saw her doubled over, holding her stomach laughing. "Your…face…" she managed to get out after a few minutes before she felt a cool rush of water down her back from a red balloon exploding. "It's on now, Scott!"

One good (bad) thing about water balloon fights was that they ended pretty quickly. The worst part was the tattered pieces of rubber left behind. Eh, it wasn't like Haley was home to _make_ him clean it up.

"Dude this was awesome." She grinned stepping out of the guest room in a new dry pair of sweatpants. The fact they hadn't actually left the house in two days made sweatpants the most awesome invention to ever exist as far as both of them were concerned. Nathan wasn't even aware he had this many pairs of sweats before now.

Nathan nodded in agreement before he turned on his PS3. He loved some good old fashioned video game playing. Even when they had been dating in high school, they had always played video games together, even if Peyton had sucked. "Up for some Rock Band?" he smirked holding up the microphone.

"Nathan Scott, I will kick your ass, as always." She assured him confidently, taking the microphone from him. After three songs, Peyton was pretty sure that she and Nathan would make the worst band ever. He fumbled on the guitar like no one she had ever seen, and it was pretty fair to say that out of all the Scott's her voice was probably the worst. She had fumbled all the way through _Smells Like Teen Spirit_, and Nathan had laughed the whole time, totally fucking up what little guitar skills he did have. "Shut up!" she defended, finding herself giggling into the microphone and finally just tossing it on the floor, and letting the song fail.

"Way to be a team player, Sawyer!"

…

Knowing fully well that it was their last night without spouses, they had decided to order from their favorite greasy Chinese place (leaving the house was not an option) and had smeared grease all over Haley's favorite décor pillow. Nathan tossed it off the couch and vowed he would wake up early enough to take it to the dry cleaner's so it wouldn't be noticeable.

Peyton had tried to toss her empty container into the trashcan, but yet again missed, leaving the container by the ten or so beer bottles that also scattered the floor. "Dude, Haley is going to kill us." She said rubbing her stomach. That had been some fucking amazing Chinese food.

"We'll clean up tomorrow and she'll never know." He shrugged halving the last egg roll with her and stuffing his part into his mouth. "It'll be fine."

Peyton waited a few minutes before she was sent into another fit of giggles "Neither of us even clean, Nathan!" She was right. Nathan didn't really do a lot of cleaning around the house, he had learned to keep things pretty neat, but Haley had always done most of the cleaning that needed to be done. He'd picked up a stray sock or two in his time, but as far as actually cleaning, he wasn't really into it. He didn't even have to ask to know that Lucas did all that shit around his house. Peyton had been known to go without underwear just to avoid washing clothes.

"Shit. Oh, well."

Before they got into another huge fight about what to watch, they had both decided that watching that fucking vampire movie everyone was talking about seemed like a good idea. Nathan hated this Edward character immediately. "What a fucking pussy." He scoffed. "He's a vampire virgin, what the hell is that about?"

Peyton shrugged, stuffing a handful of potato chips into her mouth and wiping her hand across her sweatpants. "To be honest, I'm just distracted by the fact that she blinks .time."

"If this is what girls are into, I'm glad Jamie's a boy."

"Hopefully it dies off before Sawyer really knows what it's about." She said hopefully, tossing a chip towards Nathan's mouth and grinning when he caught with his mouth. "He needs to fucking wash his hair. She better never bring anyone like that home, Lucas will have a heart attack."

"Luke will have a heart attack no mater what the boy looks like, I assure you." He said smirking and tossing a chip in the direction of her mouth. "Shit Peyton, you missed."

"Shut up."

…

"That was so much fun, but I'm exhausted." Haley said sleepily rubbing the back of her neck. "I hope Nathan and Peyton weren't too bored though." She had to admit, she had felt a little guilty leaving her husband behind on his weekend off. She had hoped that he would have at least gotten some relaxing time in before he had to go back on the road, but she had more important plans for him on her mind, currently.

"I'm sure they had fun." Lucas assured her, bouncing Sawyer in his arms as the baby cooed happily, reaching her tiny fingers out to grasp Lucas' nose. "I'm sure they missed us, though." Lucas was pretty confident that Peyton really missed him, so much in fact that they would rush out of Nathan and Haley's house and go home.

Nothing really prepared them for what they saw after Haley unlocked the front door of her house. "Mama! What happened?" Jamie literally gasped when he saw the bottles lying on the floor and scattered pieces of multi-colored rubber lying about.

"I don't know, baby." She had been a bit worried at first, before she saw a curly blonde head peeking over the top of the couch. Lucas and Haley walked over quickly to see Nathan leaned over the side of the couch and Peyton leaning against his side with an empty bag of potato chips between, with an empty bag of Keebler cookies resting on Nathan's chest. "Nathan Scott!" Haley gasped, shaking him awake, and he sat up in a jolt rubbing his eyes. Peyton felt Nathan move and sat up as well rubbing her face. "What the hell happened to my house?"

Nathan cringed slightly, okay so their plan to wake up really early and do cleaning reinforcements didn't exactly work out. Jamie was looking around the living room in shock. He had never seen his house in such disarray that Nathan almost felt guilty. "Baby, you're home early."

"It's two thirty, Nathan." She said placing her hand on her hip. She couldn't believe her house looked like this, not to mention the fact that it appeared Nathan or Peyton hadn't taken a shower since they left. "You two look disgusting!"

Peyton mumbled some rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. "Sorry, Hales…we'll help you clean up." She said lowly giving Haley the best 'I'm sorry' eyes she could muster. Sure, they had a blast but they really hadn't intended to leave the house in this mess. How the fuck did they sleep to two thirty, anyway?

Lucas looked at Peyton and shook his head slightly. "Peyton this is seriously disgusting." Haley swatted his arm and gasped a little. "Hales, for real. It's horrible." He turned to Jamie and handed Sawyer over to him before he went to work cleaning up the scattered beer bottles around the living room, covering for his wife.

"Both of you! Start cleaning."

Nathan and Peyton both grumbled loudly before they began to pick up the left over pizza and Chinese take out boxes that were left on the floor. One thing about it, they both doubted that Lucas and Haley would be going on another trip anytime soon.

**AN: **So there's that, hopefully you all enjoyed! A lot of the things included in this story are mild inside jokes (especially the Joseph Gordon-Levitt bit) but hopefully it was still enjoyable for the rest of you.


End file.
